Coping Strategies That Never Worked For My Depression (And What Did)
Coping Mechanisms to Definitely Avoid And What You Can Try Instead
I’m 27 years old and I have been depressed for what seems like my whole conscious life. I was clinically diagnosed six years ago and 2022 is the first year since then that I genuinely feel at peace. So to anyone that’s still in the thick of the darkness, I swear to you there’s hope.
However I have to admit, I expected a lot more rainbows and sunshine than I am experiencing. If I had a penny for how much self-soothing I’ve had to do in the last week alone I could probably retire early. My biggest gentle reminder to myself being: Just as it has taken time to get to this point where I realise that I have the power to create peace in my life, it will equally take time for me to change things so that peace can remain a constant. I’m calling it my transition period.
The biggest characteristic of this transition into peace is by far holding space for all my triggers without falling back into destructive behavior or negative patterns of feeling and thinking. It’s allowed me to reflect on some of my coping mechanisms that will just not work anymore if I want to ride off into the sunset of joy (which I do). It’s also allowed me to see some of the better choices I started to make that have really helped me. So here I am sharing them as gentle reminders for all of us to keep choosing what is healthier over what is easier.
Believing I could handle everything by myself never worked
I have zero clue where I got the idea that I should be this strong and perfect being that does not struggle with day to day life. Or that I should contain all my more negative thoughts and emotions. What this meant is that I was putting on a show that I was okay which was extremely exhausting, and led to multiple nervous breakdowns.
What has worked: Letting the right people in and creating clear boundaries with the people that are not good for my healing
My first nervous breakdown was at work four years ago. My then manager helped me to get into therapy, my first real mental health support system. It helped me to put a name to what I was struggling with, to feel safe to admit that I was struggling, and start working towards solutions. I have since then also shared openly about my depression with close family and friends which makes it easier to not have to put up any pretenses about being okay when spending time with them. I additionally respectfully distance myself from anyone that is harmful to my healing journey.
Blaming other people for my situation never worked
A lot can happen in childhood that we have no control over because we are highly dependent on our caregivers. I internalized some of my more negative experiences growing up and placed blame on the people around me for those happenings. I credited the situations in my present day to those negative experiences, which essentially meant giving my caregivers the responsibility of fixing them since they were to blame in the first place (in my head).
What has worked: Realizing that I have agency and taking responsibility for changing my reality
It took a long time to accept that my caregivers were doing the best they could given their circumstances, that there is no room for blame when it comes to healing. I also had to stop living in the past and realize that though I had no agency as a child or control over what happened to me then, I can take full responsibility for my present and begin to work for a life that brings me joy.
Planning my entire life just to feel like I’m in control never worked
My depression comes with anxiety and I did my best to control my environment so as to limit the anxiety that comes with the unknown. In translation: I am an obsessive planner. I knew exactly when I wanted to get married, have children, where I would live, the level of education I would attain, and so on. But life doesn’t work like that. So every time my life plan did not go well, I spiraled into a depressive episode. It also always kept me holding my breath for happiness that in my head could only be expereinced once the vision had fully manifested.
What has worked: Having a general vision for my life and planning my day to day to work towards that vision
I’ve now shifted my approach to having a general vision of the reality that I want to experience, and become more open to different ways that it may be accomplished. I’ve broken down the vision to multiple goals; long-term, mid-term and short-term alike. The short-term goals are especially motivating because they are quick wins that help me to feel satisfied in the present moment as opposed to waiting for a future happiness only attainable by the long-term goals / vision.
Drinking to relieve stress and anxiety never worked
You can replace drinking with anything you do to numb yourself and escape from having to deal with what is actually going in your life. It could be another substance, serial dating, busy social calendar, etc.
I’ve only recently started to reflect on how much alcohol I consume and why. That moment when you start to feel all the tension from your temples and shoulders draining away, is what I look forward to at the end of an incredibly stressful day or week. The thing with drinking is that after the buzz wears off, you’re right back to where you started. Maybe even with the added struggle of a hangover. So now nothing has changed in your situation plus you’re physically ill.
What has worked: Facing all the things that cause me stress and anxiety head on
It’s been a lot more beneficial to directly look at what is causing me stress and anxiety, and try to sort that out instead of going for a quick high first. The freedom that is experienced in that high is an illusion. The freedom that comes from continuosly working to resolve stressful situations is long-lasting.
Depression has so many faces and is so subjective that what works for me may not have the same effect on you. So let’s keep the conversation going in the comments by sharing some of the healthier ways you are coping. You never know who you might be helping.
